Resillience...Be the change you want to see in others

I've been reflecting a lot lately on what it means to be resilient, how is it that some people appear to have more resilience than others? Having studied mental health for many years now, it has always been a constant in my thoughts and never far from my life-long question of why?

In what might appear to be a slight departure from my usual articles, this one is very close to home for me. One because it is written authentically and compassionately from my own journey and experiences in living with others; being empathetic to their struggles, and trying to be compassionate to all humans when there are some that you truly don't think are deserving of compassion.

But who are we to judge, really? We are all imperfect and we all find ourselves in this struggle called life. So what is it that separates some from others and gives them the ability to bounce right back, even when everything says they shouldn't?

As Mahatma Gandhi said 'Imperfect men have no right to judge other imperfect men'. So why do we? Is it that we are so afraid to confront our own imperfections that we point the finger at others to avoid seeing imperfections in ourselves?

What is the difference between the CEO who is so anxious and afraid that they risk everything, sometimes taking their own lives after receiving a negative ASQA report, and yet another CEO, who suffers the same paralysing anxiety and fear after receiving the same negative audit report yet is able to somehow find the capacity to fight another round? I see so many people damaged by this system, even people outside our system, everywhere is hurting. If you listen to the news, it's happening amongst our police force, our education system, our immigration systems, it's happening in the world around us. That question though, what makes a person more resilient than another is one that does keep me awake at night; usually because of that 5 pm Friday afternoon phone calls that destroy the lives of others unnecessarily.

So what is resilience then? I embrace the definition of resilience by Psychology Today which states:

“Resilience is that ineffable quality that allows
 some people to be knocked down by life and
come back stronger than ever.
Rather than letting failure overcome them
and drain their resolve, they find a way to rise
from the ashes.”

But is there more to it than that? I firmly believe that it’s only a part of it, or rather, the umbrella that encompasses the precious components that come together to help someone rise from the ashes. Without these, a person’s capacity for resilience is significantly diminished.

It’s not just about being mentally strong, having great self-confidence or having a pity party and getting back on your feet again. It is far more holistic than that. It is captured within and expressed in a person’s soul, their entire being, and everything that they are. I also firmly believe that resilience is also not something that can be achieved alone.

For many resilient people, there have been protective factors that supported that person in their journey. Holding them up when they could no longer stand, being the support mechanism for them as long as they need it for and in whatever capacity they need.

As you look back on your life and the challenges you’ve faced, I bet there were people that helped you get up again and fight for survival, to rise from the ashes. Think back at all the turning points in your life and visualise who was there beside you? When you were broken and felt like you would never be able to get up again, you were done. Who was there for you?

As I look through the many turning points in my life, I have been amazed to discover that at every turning point, at every crossroad, at every moment that I didn’t think I could get up again, there was a woman that held me up, that has shaped me to become the woman I am today. From childhood, through my teenage years, early adulthood and even today. 

The list is long. Too long to name here and to share the names of some while not sharing the names of others does not do them any justice or adequately describe the influence they had on my life and whom I have become.

We don’t become who we are on our own. Who we are, how we express ourselves, whom we become is a reflection of those important people in our lives who have influenced us along the way, but also those who are yet to enter our circles of wisdom. I know you've heard the saying that '...we are the product of the 5 people we spend the most time with...choose wisely'.

But is it really that simple?

The best way that I can think of to honour those who invested in me throughout my life when I had nothing to give is to pay it forward and be that for someone else. When someone else is broken and needs someone to help them get back on their feet, help them become whom they want to be, coach them, mentor them, be a guide, be the person you once needed.  

Did you ever see the movie 'Pay it Forward' with Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt and Haley Joel Osment? In summary, as per the wonderful Wikipedia:

The film is based loosely on the novel of the same
name by Catherine Ryan Hyde. It is set in Las Vegas,
and it chronicles 11- to 12-year-old Trevor McKinney's
launch of a goodwill movement known as
"pay it forward". It stars  Haley Joel Osment as
Trevor, Helen Hunt as his alcoholic single mother
Arlene McKinney, and Kevin Spacey as his physically
and emotionally scarred social studies teacher
Eugene Simonet. Be the change you want to see
in others and lead from a place of compassion. 
Honour those who invested in you by investing in
someone else who needs your support. 
Be that  protective factor that someone 
else needs to help them become resilient 
and find a way to rise from the ashes. 

For those who are interested in the movie, you can see the part of the movie relevant to the philosophy of the theme 'Pay It Forward' here'.

Be the change you want to see in others and lead from a place of compassion. Honour those who invested in you by investing in someone else who needs your support. Be that protective factor that someone else needs to help them become resilient and find a way to rise from the ashes. 

For those many women who have been that for me at some point in my lifetime, thank you. Thank you for giving me a part of yourself and having faith in me when I had none left. For those who sat beside me as I cried, for those who have been the person I once needed in various parts of the world, there is no amount of money that could ever repay you for all you gave. What I can do though is 'Pay It Forward' and be that person for someone else.

So what difference can you make? Whom do you need to thank? Who needs you right now? All it takes is for us as humans to acknowledge and understand that we are all doing the best we can with the resources we have and some people just don't have the same resources available to them at 5pm on a Friday afternoon when everywhere else is closed. Before you make that call, ask yourself is it necessary? Is there something you could do differently to be more compassionate? Some people just don't have 'once in a lifetime kind of people' around them. If the tables were turned, how resilient would you be?

In closing, I leave you with the following thought...

Be the difference you want to see in the world.

What are your thoughts about resilience?

Share your thoughts on mmy LinkedIn page.

RTO Doctor

The first choice for RTO sanction management and compliance assistance.

RTO Doctor assists VET & international education providers around the country to ensure their compliance with their regulatory requirements; a critical issue for RTOs around the nation currently experiencing a very hostile and punitive regulatory environment. Raelene Bartlett, Founding Director of RTO Doctor published the book CRICOS CPR: Top 5 Tips to Rescue Your RTO as a way of supporting providers in navigating this minefield. She has also published the number 1 international bestseller in 3 categories "National Vocational Education and Training Regulator Act 2011 (Cth): An Investigation Into Merits Review" and 'The Human Toll: Is The Nature of Regulation Under The Australia Skills Quality Authority Destructive?'